I am a borderline

People want to know how it’s like living with a « borderline personality disorder »
It feels like you’re not living at all or you’re possibly too alive
You’re the person that feels the highest of high and the lowest low
You’re easily triggered by small things :
The way that a person looks at their watch while talking to you, makes you feel unheard
Someone telling you to think positive to change, makes you feel unseen
People telling you that suicide is for cowards, makes you feel misunderstood
You find yourself living someone normal, and even happy one day, then something triggers you, and you quickly abandon everything and anything that you’re close to
Relationships are the hardest : you find yourself constantly pushing the people you love the most, away
Voices in your head are screaming STOP … but you can’t
And you slowly begin to destroy the relationships you care about the most
For times, you find yourself to be a burden, impossible for anyone to ever love
For times, you shine so bright and feel loved, but you can easily turn to dark when you’re triggered by some small hurtful comments : Anger pluses to your body, and you struggle to control the darkness upon yourself in order to control the pain… you can inflict harm on your body telling yourself « you deserve it » or to proove you’re alive
There’s a constant though of not wanting to live with what you carry
For times it feels like a warm blanket, other times you feel trapped in a nightmare
Trusting people is difficult
There can be a fear that they will see the real You… the dark You that you beleive is unlovable
Most of the time, you may struggle to know who you really are
It’s difficult to express how you really feel, and you end up appearing like a tornado: destroying relationships and opportunities, you can feel that the world is against you, nothing is happening to you
Once the tornado has begun : you are unreachable, you are a warrior in a dark forest with no compass and are unable to tell who the actual enemy is, so, you never feel safe…
Once the darkness become stronge, you begin to implode, destroying yourself and any trace of you…
Then, you have 2 choices : you can reach out for help or you may attempt to suicide…
But as a borderline, your are resilient, and you try again !
You suffered so deeply, so much of the time
You push on, searching for help, love and compassion…


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